Joan Rivers

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Never floss with a stranger.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.