I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'