Funny quotes

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.