George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Religion is just mind control.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.