Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.