Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.