I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.
A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.