Erma Bombeck

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.