Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I am two with nature.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree, ' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.