Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking, ' but I don't have that much time.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.