Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2, 000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.