Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'