Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.