There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.