Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.